Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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