so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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