Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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