i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
