Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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