im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just had sex on a roof
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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