I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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