Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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