Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
