Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
