another moral hangover. fuck.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
