Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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