Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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