You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
