based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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