It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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