Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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