dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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