when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
