And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
