if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
