I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
