I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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