i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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