Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
