Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
