She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
