So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
