Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
