i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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