worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
