I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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