I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
