Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
