2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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