Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The best revenge is premature balding
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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