did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
