I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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