its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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