just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
