i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
