Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
third nipple confirmed
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
