Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
