this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
