Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
