it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
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