i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
