Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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