Please, let me fuck your mom
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
