You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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